Always be my baby!

And so here we are, about a month later. Things have settled down SOME, but not entirely. The 3 year old still has issues, and the 2 year old does, too.
This past week we began therapy for the boys. We met with a therapist who has an amazing reputation in this area, and did the intake, assessment process. I swear, I tend to not get fuzzy feelings about the boys' social worker each time I see her.
This time, we learned even more about these poor kids' background that she failed to tell us. However, it is done now. I know that God does not make mistakes, and He put these boys in our lives for a reason.
After the intake/assessment, my hubby and I talked frankly about if we should, or should not keep the boys, and I was so happy to find out that he wants to KEEP them, as I do!
We found out that we are the boys FIFTH placement--that made me so MAD!!!! Imagine this 2 and 3 year old being moved around that many times! Think of their AGE, and being moved that many times! That would be hard for an adult with coping skills to handle, imagine for them! They can't even verbalize their feelings! No wonder for the tantrums, and the anger! No wonder! We can't send them back! We WON'T be the ones who send these boys back!
The 2 yr old at this point, is fearfully attached to me. It took him a while to warm up to me, but now he won’t let go! LOL. I didn't understand why until I found out about the five placements! He fears he will lose me, too! I must admit, being the sun, moon, air and stars for someone is exhausting, but I mean, if it helps the little guy feel more secure, then ok, follow me around--- I just have to ditch him when I have to go to the Ladies’ Room!
The 3 year old has real anger issues. I guess who can blame him? I would be angry too if I had had the things they have had happen to them, happen to me.
I had a conversation with the 3 year old a few weeks ago after he got in trouble in daycare. I told him that even when he is a turd, he is still my big baby (the 2 yr old is my Little Baby). I told him even when he makes me mad, he is still my baby.
I feel that I am getting through to him---he had an AWFUL day today, and he asked me as I was getting him ready for bed. “I was a turd today?” “Yes, you were.” I answered. “I’m still your baby?” He asked. “You’re still my baby.” I told him. He seemed to understand. He smiled, and wrapped his arms around my neck and hugged and kissed me. “I will try not to be a turd tomorrow.” He murmured as I put him in bed and covered him with his Spiderman blanket. “Ok, baby.” I replied. “You try, but if you fail, you are still my baby. Even if you make me mad!”
At any rate, we are still chugging along, still praying for guidance, still praying for the healing of the hearts and souls of our boys.
In the meantime, I am SOOOOO looking forward to all of the FIRSTS we will enjoy together as a family! SOOOOOO excited! Trip to the White House, their birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas…..SOOOO EXCITED!
Till the next update, please continue to keep us uplifted in prayer, and I thank and welcome all creative forms of discipline-- they have really come in handy since spanking is NOT an option.

What becomes of the broken hearted?

It has been a while since I have blogged. It has been a loooong time, and a lot has happened. Here on facebook, I only post the positive things that have happened, as by law, I cannot go into details about the other issues that have surfaced since day one.

I will say however, that in the MAPP classes, when we were told of the things that some three year olds in the state system have done, we laughed. We thought they were exaggerating to see who was really ready for a child….now, we know better since dealing with our three year old.

In all honesty, when we first got the kids home, it was perfect….a true honeymoon period for the three year old, but the two year old was a tiny terrorist right out of the car! He came to us with a huge ringworm that had been untreated to the point that it was literally the size of a gauze bandage—which we had to use to cover it because he scratched it and got it infected with what we thought was staph.

I was exhausted trying to keep it from spreading to the rest of the household!
However, as the weeks and months have passed (a little over 2 months at this point), it appears that the two year old actually has typical behaviors, while the three year old has some behaviors that are questionable.

The two year old seems to want to be a part of the family, the three year old I think, is still thinking it over.

I spoke to a person from my MAPP class just the other day. She was envious that we got two toddlers, and insisted that she and her husband only wanted a child or children under the age of five. I doled out to her, what we have learned. Everyone wants the little ones, thinking the older kids are too broken, too damaged. However, what people do not understand, is that the little ones can be just as broken, and then some.

The problem is that with the older kids, they are able to verbalize their feelings. They can tell you, “gosh, when you did that, it made me think back to….” With the little ones, you don’t get that, you just get behaviors, and a sense of wondering what exactly just happened.

There are times, that I would actually rather have an older child. I would relish the child yelling and screaming what pisses them off….then at least we would know….with the little ones, you never know, and you may never know. You may never know exactly when their hearts fell off the shelf and got broken? Who broke them? How did they break them?

You may never know. The three year old saw a picture of his biological mother….he was not the same the rest of the day.

We have a team of help now: our social worker, their social worker, their court guardian, our counselor, their therapist. We are praying that with time, and therapy, we can put the pieces of our broken baby back together. We are praying that we can help him to heal.

As parents, it makes us feel helpless….it makes us feel rage. Rage because we are so mad at whomever broke him, we are mad at the people who hurt him. Helpless, because we do not know how to mend his broken heart and soul.

However, we are learning. We have learned that we can’t tell him we love him…think about it, you think whomever hurt him, didn’t use that word? We can’t also tell him we want to be a family…once again, what has family done to him in the past?
So every night, when we put them to bed, instead of saying, “I love you,” we tell them, “You are safe.” This seems to assuage them, this seems to speak to them on a deeper level.

I won’t lie…It continues to be a struggle daily. There are days when we feel we can’t go on. Days when we contemplate giving him back when it gets really bad. However, the truth is, we do love them both. We do want them to be our family.
All of this reminds me of that old song, “What becomes of the broken hearted?” Well, we just have to find a way to mend the pieces, make them whole, make them connected children, so that we can be a connected family. We have to put that broken heart, back together again.

Another Visit!

My hubby and I had a glorious time with our boys this past week! Upon arriving at the foster parent’s home, the 2 year old ran and hid from us (broke my heart), but the 3 year old came flying at us with open arms, ready to GO!

We began our day by bringing the boys back to watch movies.  I had secured some toddler favorites earlier (Bolt, Cars, Despicable Me, etc.), and I was anxious to share them with the boys. It was a success! However, the movie they attached themselves to, was Bolt! Oh my Lord! Why didn’t anyone warn me that toddlers get addicted to a movie and watch it over, and over, and over?  We watched Bolt enough times for me to know the credits rolling at the end!

In between showings of Bolt, we tried to keep the boys on their schedule by insisting they go down for, “knot knot’s,” which is apparently their version of a nap, taken from their mispronunciation of “night night.”

At any rate, I am sure those of you who have toddlers, know that when they are excited, they do not want to go down for a nap! Soooooooo, my hubby and I decided to take the advice of a wise Jedi warrior, who told us to take them to the park and run them until they pass out! =)

On the way to the park, Jennifer Hudson’s song, “Spotlight” came on, and my hubby and I are riding along, and all of a sudden, we hear low singing…the 3 year old was singing along to the music, but making up his own lyrics!  His version? “Going to the park! Whoo HOO! Going, going, going to the park! We are gonna play!” It took an act of God for my hubby and I to not laugh at him!

We went to the park, played, and ran the boys from one end, to the other, until they were begging to leave because they were tired! And I am so proud to say….*evil laughter* The boys passed out in the car!

Later after their nap….and another viewing of Bolt…we went to Chuck E Cheeses…you know, the place where a kid can be a kid, and a parent can head to the Poor House? Yes. We went there, and we soon learned that this is a place not meant for the weak of heart and linty pockets! 

Finally, our play date ended, and we took the boys back to their foster parents.  I must say, each time we take them back, it breaks my heart to leave them there.  We are still waiting for our paper work to be processed by the state.  They have it, they just have not processed it yet. 

But what breaks my heart even more, is the fact that my 3 year old does not want us to leave! He wrapped his arms around my neck as I unhitched him from his car seat, and said to me, “I don’t want you to go, Mommy! I wanna go with you!” It took everything in my to keep it together, and not cry in front of him, as I tried to soothe him and explain to him that soon he would come with us, and we would never leave him again….

Upon hearing this, my social worker, who I will now call a Pitt Bull, said she was going to try to do something to speed things up…she is working on a court order to force the state’s hand, and speed up the processing of our papers, so we can bring our babies home soon!   

Please continue to keep us in prayer!

Parenthood----Achieved! 

Meeting the boys....

            Sitting there in the parking lot, waiting for the boys to arrive with their social worker, was nerve wrecking.  I kept fretting over whether or not they would like me, what if there was no connection?

                When they first arrived, their foster mother took them out of the car, and they clung to her, crying pitifully, not wanting her to let them go.  It broke my heart.  Their social worker pulled the youngest off of the foster mother, and he cried harder. 

                My heart sank.  They are not going to like me, I kept thinking.  How can we ever compete? They already call her mommy!  A part of me, I can not lie, felt rage, jealousy, and sadness at the same time.

                We took them into the indoor inflatable amusement park, and the foster mother disappeared.  We moved to a table, and sat down—me, my hubby, our social worker, the boys, and their social worker.  The youngest cried still, wanting his foster mother to come back and take him. 

                This went on for about 10, 15 minutes, and then little one began to stop crying, but he still wouldn’t talk to me or my hubby.  The 3 year old was warming up some, as he kicked off his shoes and began to run towards the inflatables…my hubby ran after him, while I stayed at the table with the little one, trying to do what I could to win him over.

                We stayed there with them for about 3 hours that day.  After an hour, the little one was playing peek-a-boo with me, and my hubby and I were both chasing the boys around the place while our social workers sat back and laughed. 

                I must admit that both social workers were really a great help—when the little one ran to her with a dirty nose, she insisted he come to me to clean it….though, that is one thing I would not have minded her doing! LOL

                So the end of our visit came, and because things seemed to go so well, our social workers agreed that the next visit, would be unsupervised.  We go pick them up from the foster mom’s home, have them around the city for the day, and the return them home by nightfall.

                Whereas I am pleased with the first visit, as I was stating earlier, it was heart-breaking to hear them call their foster mother “Mommy.”  I don’t know why it hurt so bad…..I know it was unrealistic, but I can’t help it.  I have waited so long to be called Mommy, that I didn’t expect them to call me mommy right away, but I think I was jealous that they had already bestowed that glorious title upon her.

                Hopefully, one day, with patience, they will look at me with the love they had in their eyes for her.  The good thing? At least I know she has not mistreated them! I know she is treating them well for them to look at her, and feel comfortable enough to call her “Mommy.” 

                So for now, I will have to be patient, and bide my time until the day comes that they feel safe enough with me, to look at me, and call me “Mommy.”

                By the way: about the time at the inflatables? Nothing lets you know your work-out routine is obsolete, like chasing behind a 2 and 3 year old at the same time!!!! 

                Next time we take them to a place like that, we must have naps, vitamins, Gatorade, sweat bands, etc! LOL

Just call me MOMMY--the details....

This past weekend has been a nightmare! Each way I turned, I saw the boys. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw them. It was as if they were haunting my dreams.  One minute, I was imagining days at the park…the next, I was bemoaning child care….the next minute, I was remembering what a wise Math teacher once told me, “If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it!”

                No matter, it was still awful! I was on edge, snapping at anyone who crossed me.  My nerves were shot! I kept thinking during the weekend, that this was cruel and unusual punishment! I mean, it is clear someone is going to get hurt, but why drag the process out? Why not rip the band-aid off quickly to minimize the pain? The trauma?

                Monday came, and still no word for the first part of the day. Picture day went awry, and what was supposed to be my first period from 7:15-10:25, became my first period class from 7:15 until 12:15! My nerves were so wracked!

                The minutes and hours seemed to tick slowly away. It really seemed as if I could hear every single beat of my heart.  Finally, a text message from my social worker, telling me she needed me to fax her some more documents.  Ok? I did not know if this was a good sign or not.

                I had a devil of a time faxing the documents she needed due to technology malfunctioning, but finally got it through.  She emailed me the devastating blow: they weren’t meeting with the third couple until later that afternoon (3:30), and she wouldn’t know anything until the next day (today, Tuesday, February 08, 2011).

                I was hurt! Another day of misery? Another day of anguish? How would I get through this? How would my husband and I get through yet another miserable day and night of not knowing?

                I went home, and I was sitting there, rocking on the couch.  I felt that I could burst into tears at any given moment, and I didn’t want to seem like I was doubting God, but goodness! I felt abandoned if that makes any sense?

                I turned the radio on, and I tell you, when God has a message for you, He has his ways of ensuring that you get it! The song, “Let Go, Let God” was on! It was so fitting! “I couldn’t seem to fall asleep, there was so much on my mind! Searching for that peace, but that peace I could not find. So then I kneeled down to pray, pray help me please. But then he said you don’t have to cry, cause I’ll supply all your needs.”

                I must admit, at this point, I fell to my knees and I wept. It was too much. I couldn’t deal with it anymore, and I knew then that I had to let go, and let God have his way. After my long cry….I actually felt better. I had a certain peace about things, and the way things were going.  This does not mean that I was not still nervous, but I still had a certain peace.

                Fast forward to today…cruel and unusual punishment! LOL. I waited all day for a response.  Finally, I had to cover class today for a colleague who was out with a sick baby.  I went in her class, to find I did not have reception! I was bummed, but knew I was only there to cover for 45 minutes, so I could find out any news later.

                1:30 I left the classroom, bound for my classroom.  As soon as I walked out of the building, my phone began to sound off! Missed text messages!  I saw a message from my social worker, “call me asap.”

                I was so anxious! I called her back, and she congratulated me! I was screaming, and squealing! I almost…almost dropped my precious iPhone 4…but I didn’t! People were coming to see what was wrong with me, and I was just crying. Tears streaming down my face….happiness…joy…relief…excitement. All at one time these feelings overwhelmed me! I was stuttering, that I had to call my husband, I had to call my mother, I had to call people! LOL

                She let me go so I could call all who needed to be called.  I greeted my hubby, with a, “Hello, Daddy.” When he answered the phone---he dropped it!

                At any rate, we are not even licensed yet---that is just how good God is! With this in mind, we will begin to transition the kids while waiting for our licenses to come through.  We will meet the kids in a couple of weeks, and then go from there.

                Of course, I will keep you posted.

Parenthood…..arrived.

And so the dance begins!

        And so today it began. After a week of shot nerves, my husband and I traveled to the foothills of NC to meet with the social worker and the guardian ad litum (spelling wrong, but they are appointed by the courts to keep the best interest of the boys in mind) of the boys we wish to adopt.

      As most may know, they were forecasting freezing rain today, not here in this area, but the further north one traveled, they expected ice.  It was even to the point where the school districts all up along that way were operating on 2 and 3 hour delays this morning!

I was so distraught! I didn’t want to have to put this off! I didn’t want to work myself into a frenzy again!!!!  Already, yesterday at work I walked out and left my sweater, I forgot to grab my laptop, and I forgot my teacher’s edition of one of the books I utilize in class! My nerves were SHOT! I did NOT want to go through this again!      But, by the grace of God, the weather cooperated, and the temperatures rose to the mid 30’s, allowing us to travel.

          When we arrived, we were greeted by our social worker, and the other couple we were up against. We were shocked to see that the other couple was dressed in jeans, after the social worker had specified that we, “dress for success.” They said they were too nervous to think about dressing any other way???? Ok. I let that one go!

              At any rate, my hubby and I sat in the waiting room, patiently reading our research.  We read over the profiles of the two boys so that we could intimately discuss them in the meeting, and we read over articles we had both found online that addressed how we could help them since both have been diagnosed with a slight speech delay stemming from neglect.

          Finally, our turn came, and we went into the room. In the meeting, it was me, my hubby, our social worker, their social worker, and their guardian. Our meeting was scheduled to begin at 11 am, but it didn’t begin until 11:05, and we were not finished until around 12:15, 12:20. 

They asked all kinds of questions—why were we the best for these two, how would we handle tantrums, how would we handle potty training, how would we handle picky eaters, would we be a partnership or would one person be the primary caregiver, do we have issues with cuddling, etc.

      Once finished, we felt so drained! We were led back out of the room, down the winding, maze-like hallways, back to the front of the building, were we exited, and headed home. 

     On the highway, our social worker called us, and told us that between us, and the other couple interviewed today, they liked US! Said that we were definitely the choice over them….however, she said they dropped a bomb on her today—they have yet another couple to interview on Monday.  A couple she knew nothing about, and couldn’t get the social worker to reveal anything about to her.  She was very upset about that sneak factor involved—VERY upset!

     So, now we are faced with yet another waiting game.  Now we must wait for the other couple to interview on Monday, and secretly harbor in our hearts, the desire that these people not outshine us, so that we can take the adorable little boys home with us!

Please continue to pray for us,

Awaiting Parenthood.

It's a BOY!!!! BOY?????? YES!!!!!

YES! We are so happy to announce, that after months of waiting, we have been called to meet with a social worker next week to talk about two little boys, who are ages 2 and 3!  We are so excited! My husband can only speak about having football buddies, and basketball buddies, and “his little men!”

According to what we have been told about the boys: they love playing with trucks, trains, and playing ball! My hubby’s eyes kinda danced like Cliff Huxtable’s eyes did on the Cosby Show when he found out his only son Theo was on the football team! 

We are  excited, but— nothing is official! This actually, is the hard part! We have been told that we will not be the only couple “interviewing” to take these two adorable little boys! There will be one more couple there – and to make it so bad, they are a couple we know and love, because they are a couple that went through the MAPP classes with us, and we really connected with them.

The good thing about this is that no matter what, we know these boys will get a wonderful home, because if WE get them, we will smother them with love…well, not smother…but love them a lot, a lot! Annnnnd, if the other couple gets them, we know that the love those two will receive, will be the same if not more, because they are also a wonderful couple!

At any rate, I will keep you posted once we know more, and please continue to keep us in prayer!

Anxiously waiting…..