This past weekend has been a nightmare! Each way I turned, I saw the boys. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw them. It was as if they were haunting my dreams. One minute, I was imagining days at the park…the next, I was bemoaning child care….the next minute, I was remembering what a wise Math teacher once told me, “If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it!”
No matter, it was still awful! I was on edge, snapping at anyone who crossed me. My nerves were shot! I kept thinking during the weekend, that this was cruel and unusual punishment! I mean, it is clear someone is going to get hurt, but why drag the process out? Why not rip the band-aid off quickly to minimize the pain? The trauma?
Monday came, and still no word for the first part of the day. Picture day went awry, and what was supposed to be my first period from 7:15-10:25, became my first period class from 7:15 until 12:15! My nerves were so wracked!
The minutes and hours seemed to tick slowly away. It really seemed as if I could hear every single beat of my heart. Finally, a text message from my social worker, telling me she needed me to fax her some more documents. Ok? I did not know if this was a good sign or not.
I had a devil of a time faxing the documents she needed due to technology malfunctioning, but finally got it through. She emailed me the devastating blow: they weren’t meeting with the third couple until later that afternoon (3:30), and she wouldn’t know anything until the next day (today, Tuesday, February 08, 2011).
I was hurt! Another day of misery? Another day of anguish? How would I get through this? How would my husband and I get through yet another miserable day and night of not knowing?
I went home, and I was sitting there, rocking on the couch. I felt that I could burst into tears at any given moment, and I didn’t want to seem like I was doubting God, but goodness! I felt abandoned if that makes any sense?
I turned the radio on, and I tell you, when God has a message for you, He has his ways of ensuring that you get it! The song, “Let Go, Let God” was on! It was so fitting! “I couldn’t seem to fall asleep, there was so much on my mind! Searching for that peace, but that peace I could not find. So then I kneeled down to pray, pray help me please. But then he said you don’t have to cry, cause I’ll supply all your needs.”
I must admit, at this point, I fell to my knees and I wept. It was too much. I couldn’t deal with it anymore, and I knew then that I had to let go, and let God have his way. After my long cry….I actually felt better. I had a certain peace about things, and the way things were going. This does not mean that I was not still nervous, but I still had a certain peace.
Fast forward to today…cruel and unusual punishment! LOL. I waited all day for a response. Finally, I had to cover class today for a colleague who was out with a sick baby. I went in her class, to find I did not have reception! I was bummed, but knew I was only there to cover for 45 minutes, so I could find out any news later.
1:30 I left the classroom, bound for my classroom. As soon as I walked out of the building, my phone began to sound off! Missed text messages! I saw a message from my social worker, “call me asap.”
I was so anxious! I called her back, and she congratulated me! I was screaming, and squealing! I almost…almost dropped my precious iPhone 4…but I didn’t! People were coming to see what was wrong with me, and I was just crying. Tears streaming down my face….happiness…joy…relief…excitement. All at one time these feelings overwhelmed me! I was stuttering, that I had to call my husband, I had to call my mother, I had to call people! LOL
She let me go so I could call all who needed to be called. I greeted my hubby, with a, “Hello, Daddy.” When he answered the phone---he dropped it!
At any rate, we are not even licensed yet---that is just how good God is! With this in mind, we will begin to transition the kids while waiting for our licenses to come through. We will meet the kids in a couple of weeks, and then go from there.
Of course, I will keep you posted.
Parenthood…..arrived.
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