As I stood in the line in the bank today, I found myself being extremely terrified about this entire situation. I found myself wondering, "what if the agency doesn't like us?" "What if they say no?" "What hoops will they try to make us jump through?" WHAT WILL WE HAVE TO DO? We really want this. We have always wanted children, but have never been blessed to have them. I have watched all of my friends as they one by one, become parents, and I sit on the sidelines dreaming for a family one day. Now that I am faced with trying to adopt, I am terrified. What if they don't like our house? What if our normally docile dog, tries to become Cujo right when the Social Worker arrives to do the Home Study? What if the kids are allergic to the our dog? Will we have to give up Sage? Won't we be able to have the kids AND the dog? What exactly are they looking for? Who do they want? Do they want perfect people? What if we don't measure up? Will my previously poor medical history rule us out?
One thing about this, is that from filling out the forms, I feel my hubby and I have tried to keep it light so far. When we were filling out the forms for the criminal background check, he asked me had my evil twin done anything that could stop this, to which I replied by asking him what about his seedy, black-hearted twin? We laughed as he replied that the next time he saw his "twin" he would ask him what had he done in his past, and we placed our signatures on the bottom line granting permission to do the checks, and sealed the deal.
As I stood in line at the bank waiting to get the money order, these are the fears that somewhat overwhelmed me. I think they are normal feelings, yet, it makes me feel all alone. Those who have the capacity to have their own children, do not know how truly blessed they are. You create your family on your own terms, with no one telling you how it should be done. You are truly blessed. While I am eager to go through this, I can't help but feel jealousy towards those able to have their own children. If this doesn't work out for me, where do we go? No where? Does that mean our dream for a family gets deferred and dries up like a raisin in the sun?
We do not have the option of having our own children, so what will happen to our dream? I try not to think of these fears as I secure the money order, and head to the Post Office. All we can do, is pray that it is in God's will that we will be blessed with a child that we can love, a child we can rescue from their pain, and show them how wonderful the world can be, just how much they can and will be truly loved and cherished. A child (or children) to whom we can give their dreams back to them. That is all we can do. I guess this is a time when we must put our fears to the side, pray, and charge forward to see what the end will be.
However, no matter the outcome, I will continue to blog my experience to you, my family. And in the meantime, I will try to be positive, I mean, we have no clue yet exactly WHAT we have to do! All we know right NOW, is that we have successfully completed the first three steps: we have completed the application, we have secured the money order, and we have mailed both the application and the criminal background check fee back to the agency. For now, we must try not to fear the unknown -- which is very hard. For now, we must try to remember that we are doing this with the best of intentions -- we want a family! And so for now....we wait......
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