Meeting the boys....

            Sitting there in the parking lot, waiting for the boys to arrive with their social worker, was nerve wrecking.  I kept fretting over whether or not they would like me, what if there was no connection?

                When they first arrived, their foster mother took them out of the car, and they clung to her, crying pitifully, not wanting her to let them go.  It broke my heart.  Their social worker pulled the youngest off of the foster mother, and he cried harder. 

                My heart sank.  They are not going to like me, I kept thinking.  How can we ever compete? They already call her mommy!  A part of me, I can not lie, felt rage, jealousy, and sadness at the same time.

                We took them into the indoor inflatable amusement park, and the foster mother disappeared.  We moved to a table, and sat down—me, my hubby, our social worker, the boys, and their social worker.  The youngest cried still, wanting his foster mother to come back and take him. 

                This went on for about 10, 15 minutes, and then little one began to stop crying, but he still wouldn’t talk to me or my hubby.  The 3 year old was warming up some, as he kicked off his shoes and began to run towards the inflatables…my hubby ran after him, while I stayed at the table with the little one, trying to do what I could to win him over.

                We stayed there with them for about 3 hours that day.  After an hour, the little one was playing peek-a-boo with me, and my hubby and I were both chasing the boys around the place while our social workers sat back and laughed. 

                I must admit that both social workers were really a great help—when the little one ran to her with a dirty nose, she insisted he come to me to clean it….though, that is one thing I would not have minded her doing! LOL

                So the end of our visit came, and because things seemed to go so well, our social workers agreed that the next visit, would be unsupervised.  We go pick them up from the foster mom’s home, have them around the city for the day, and the return them home by nightfall.

                Whereas I am pleased with the first visit, as I was stating earlier, it was heart-breaking to hear them call their foster mother “Mommy.”  I don’t know why it hurt so bad…..I know it was unrealistic, but I can’t help it.  I have waited so long to be called Mommy, that I didn’t expect them to call me mommy right away, but I think I was jealous that they had already bestowed that glorious title upon her.

                Hopefully, one day, with patience, they will look at me with the love they had in their eyes for her.  The good thing? At least I know she has not mistreated them! I know she is treating them well for them to look at her, and feel comfortable enough to call her “Mommy.” 

                So for now, I will have to be patient, and bide my time until the day comes that they feel safe enough with me, to look at me, and call me “Mommy.”

                By the way: about the time at the inflatables? Nothing lets you know your work-out routine is obsolete, like chasing behind a 2 and 3 year old at the same time!!!! 

                Next time we take them to a place like that, we must have naps, vitamins, Gatorade, sweat bands, etc! LOL

Just call me MOMMY--the details....

This past weekend has been a nightmare! Each way I turned, I saw the boys. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw them. It was as if they were haunting my dreams.  One minute, I was imagining days at the park…the next, I was bemoaning child care….the next minute, I was remembering what a wise Math teacher once told me, “If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it!”

                No matter, it was still awful! I was on edge, snapping at anyone who crossed me.  My nerves were shot! I kept thinking during the weekend, that this was cruel and unusual punishment! I mean, it is clear someone is going to get hurt, but why drag the process out? Why not rip the band-aid off quickly to minimize the pain? The trauma?

                Monday came, and still no word for the first part of the day. Picture day went awry, and what was supposed to be my first period from 7:15-10:25, became my first period class from 7:15 until 12:15! My nerves were so wracked!

                The minutes and hours seemed to tick slowly away. It really seemed as if I could hear every single beat of my heart.  Finally, a text message from my social worker, telling me she needed me to fax her some more documents.  Ok? I did not know if this was a good sign or not.

                I had a devil of a time faxing the documents she needed due to technology malfunctioning, but finally got it through.  She emailed me the devastating blow: they weren’t meeting with the third couple until later that afternoon (3:30), and she wouldn’t know anything until the next day (today, Tuesday, February 08, 2011).

                I was hurt! Another day of misery? Another day of anguish? How would I get through this? How would my husband and I get through yet another miserable day and night of not knowing?

                I went home, and I was sitting there, rocking on the couch.  I felt that I could burst into tears at any given moment, and I didn’t want to seem like I was doubting God, but goodness! I felt abandoned if that makes any sense?

                I turned the radio on, and I tell you, when God has a message for you, He has his ways of ensuring that you get it! The song, “Let Go, Let God” was on! It was so fitting! “I couldn’t seem to fall asleep, there was so much on my mind! Searching for that peace, but that peace I could not find. So then I kneeled down to pray, pray help me please. But then he said you don’t have to cry, cause I’ll supply all your needs.”

                I must admit, at this point, I fell to my knees and I wept. It was too much. I couldn’t deal with it anymore, and I knew then that I had to let go, and let God have his way. After my long cry….I actually felt better. I had a certain peace about things, and the way things were going.  This does not mean that I was not still nervous, but I still had a certain peace.

                Fast forward to today…cruel and unusual punishment! LOL. I waited all day for a response.  Finally, I had to cover class today for a colleague who was out with a sick baby.  I went in her class, to find I did not have reception! I was bummed, but knew I was only there to cover for 45 minutes, so I could find out any news later.

                1:30 I left the classroom, bound for my classroom.  As soon as I walked out of the building, my phone began to sound off! Missed text messages!  I saw a message from my social worker, “call me asap.”

                I was so anxious! I called her back, and she congratulated me! I was screaming, and squealing! I almost…almost dropped my precious iPhone 4…but I didn’t! People were coming to see what was wrong with me, and I was just crying. Tears streaming down my face….happiness…joy…relief…excitement. All at one time these feelings overwhelmed me! I was stuttering, that I had to call my husband, I had to call my mother, I had to call people! LOL

                She let me go so I could call all who needed to be called.  I greeted my hubby, with a, “Hello, Daddy.” When he answered the phone---he dropped it!

                At any rate, we are not even licensed yet---that is just how good God is! With this in mind, we will begin to transition the kids while waiting for our licenses to come through.  We will meet the kids in a couple of weeks, and then go from there.

                Of course, I will keep you posted.

Parenthood…..arrived.

And so the dance begins!

        And so today it began. After a week of shot nerves, my husband and I traveled to the foothills of NC to meet with the social worker and the guardian ad litum (spelling wrong, but they are appointed by the courts to keep the best interest of the boys in mind) of the boys we wish to adopt.

      As most may know, they were forecasting freezing rain today, not here in this area, but the further north one traveled, they expected ice.  It was even to the point where the school districts all up along that way were operating on 2 and 3 hour delays this morning!

I was so distraught! I didn’t want to have to put this off! I didn’t want to work myself into a frenzy again!!!!  Already, yesterday at work I walked out and left my sweater, I forgot to grab my laptop, and I forgot my teacher’s edition of one of the books I utilize in class! My nerves were SHOT! I did NOT want to go through this again!      But, by the grace of God, the weather cooperated, and the temperatures rose to the mid 30’s, allowing us to travel.

          When we arrived, we were greeted by our social worker, and the other couple we were up against. We were shocked to see that the other couple was dressed in jeans, after the social worker had specified that we, “dress for success.” They said they were too nervous to think about dressing any other way???? Ok. I let that one go!

              At any rate, my hubby and I sat in the waiting room, patiently reading our research.  We read over the profiles of the two boys so that we could intimately discuss them in the meeting, and we read over articles we had both found online that addressed how we could help them since both have been diagnosed with a slight speech delay stemming from neglect.

          Finally, our turn came, and we went into the room. In the meeting, it was me, my hubby, our social worker, their social worker, and their guardian. Our meeting was scheduled to begin at 11 am, but it didn’t begin until 11:05, and we were not finished until around 12:15, 12:20. 

They asked all kinds of questions—why were we the best for these two, how would we handle tantrums, how would we handle potty training, how would we handle picky eaters, would we be a partnership or would one person be the primary caregiver, do we have issues with cuddling, etc.

      Once finished, we felt so drained! We were led back out of the room, down the winding, maze-like hallways, back to the front of the building, were we exited, and headed home. 

     On the highway, our social worker called us, and told us that between us, and the other couple interviewed today, they liked US! Said that we were definitely the choice over them….however, she said they dropped a bomb on her today—they have yet another couple to interview on Monday.  A couple she knew nothing about, and couldn’t get the social worker to reveal anything about to her.  She was very upset about that sneak factor involved—VERY upset!

     So, now we are faced with yet another waiting game.  Now we must wait for the other couple to interview on Monday, and secretly harbor in our hearts, the desire that these people not outshine us, so that we can take the adorable little boys home with us!

Please continue to pray for us,

Awaiting Parenthood.